Oh, Weddings....This Time, It Is Mine!

So a little less than a year ago I was planning and preparing for my bff's upcoming nuptials, I was planning to take my new boyfriend, Jason with me to not be the, 'single girl.'

Selfie from Anna's wedding.

Anna and I on her wedding day.

Who knew that the following April, I would be in her shoes...For the nitty, gritty, details of the whole thing, we made a wedding website.

The place it all started, Jack Beagles.

Now it is all about engagement photos, welcome bags, bridesmaids gifts....the list goes on and on.We met at work, we even told our story for AOL about how our romance blossomed at the workplace but managed to keep it (mostly) hidden from our bosses until he proposed in St. John, while on vacation. After that, there was no hiding this thing!

The Bling

Work took it well and the friends jumped in to help plan the wedding of the year. Whew...I had no clue a 'simple, easy wedding' could be so much work. I know it will be worth it, when it is all said and done but as for right now, I'm thinking we should have done Vegas. (I think I'll change my mind when I pick up my dress, Friday.)

Vlad is over the wedding, too.

Jason and I are just easy. I of course have nervous jitters about the concept of calling him, "my husband." I am not worried about how we'll make it. It is like we've both spent our whole lives to be prepared to be married to each other. He is my other half. Even the dog is annoyed with our love story.

My sister and are perfecting our crafting skills. Pinterest is my new best friend. We spent a few hours this week (mostly going back to Michael's for more supplies) making the decorations for the church pews.

Our pew decorations.

Seriously, in addition to Pinterest, Etsy is the other greatest invention on the interwebs. I've used them for the majority of my gifts for the parents and wedding party. Find it on Pinterest, buy it on Etsy. Unless, you have an amazing sister that can help you do it yourselves.

This weekend, we are making the wedding signs. Wish us luck. 

The Tortoise and the Scorpion

Today on the way home from work, trying to clear my mind and remember all I may have forgotten for my trip to Buffalo, I was listening to This American Life. This episode was dedicated to the life of David Rakoff. I'd heard him many times on the broadcast and love his work. Today, I heard more than I bargained for. The piece ended with a rhyming couplet, story he wrote about giving a speech at a wedding. The main character, Nathan, gives this toast to the bride and groom...the bride was once his girlfriend and the groom, his best mate.

Through the story, Nathan tells the fable, "The Tortoise and the Scorpion." Read the transcript of the story here.

A quick summary of the fable: The Scorpion asks the Tortoise for a ride across the river. The Tortoise says no..."I know you, you'll sting me." The Scorpion pleads with the Tortoise, offering the argument, "If I sting you, we will both drown." Of course, the Tortoise agrees...only to be stung and killed by the Scorpion. The Scorpion only offers that it is in his nature to sting and dies as well.

I have to wonder...Am I the Scorpion? Am I meant to sting? Am I the Tortoise, that knowingly walks into danger, to help someone in need? Of course we all hope to be the Tortoise: He's open. He's trusting. He allows himself to be vulnerable. I feel like I am the Scorpion, most days. While not intending to sting, it is simply in my nature to sting before being stung. I live on the defense. The ending line of the story discusses the moral of the story...

Though it may spell destruction, we still ask for more,
since it beats staying dry, but so lonely on shore.
So we make ourselves open, while knowing full well
it's essentially saying, please, come pierce my shell.

Wow! Talk about hitting home. Meanwhile...I've been reading, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brene Brown. I just finished her book, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. She just released this one and I had to read it.

I know that letting go of things, admitting my vulnerabilities and letting others take control is a personal struggle for me. As I'm rolling over the last read chapter in my brain, I hear this:

Though it may spell destruction, we still ask for more,
since it beats staying dry, but so lonely on shore.
So we make ourselves open, while knowing full well
it's essentially saying, please, come pierce my shell.

We make ourselves open. We allow others into our lives and, knowing full well they can pierce our shells, we have to open or remain alone on the shore. We need the constant connection of others. Failure is ok. Failure is a human experience. While failure may happen, we may hurt each other, we may get hurt: it beats staying dry, but so lonely on shore.

Charleston, Week One

The beautiful flowers from Jason.

So the move was awesome. I have the greatest people in my life ever!

1. Anna flew down to help. Super bestest friend ever! How did I get this lucky?
2. Joy drove down, just to help. My extended family cannot be beat.
3. Hiring movers...best idea ever!
4. A bouquet of flowers waiting outside my door when I arrived = best boyfriend on earth!
5. All the neighbors have come to my door to greet and welcome me. Everyone I've met has been so friendly. I'm spoiled.

Joy and I at my Going Away Party

I can't believe I live in another city. I tried this before, and it didn't work. For this reason, I signed an 8 month lease. I admit it. I'm scared. I'm alone here. I don't know anyone. I know I'm great at meeting people, I know I'm outgoing and friendly, and I know I'm going to be ok.

I am allowing myself to be ok with being scared.

I am allowing myself to miss Charlotte.

I am allowing myself to believe in the possibility that this could be permanent or temporary.

I am allowing myself to be open to possibility that this is a great idea!

I am allowing myself to do what I need to do to be ok. If this means, a few miles on the treadmill watching When Harry Met Sally or stopping at the Hot Doughnuts Now sign, so be it. It will all even out.

Anna Bobanna - BFF

I will be ok!

Everything I've wanted is within my reach. I've met the most amazing man ever, I have the job I've wanted since beginning Grad school. I live 3 miles from the beach.

My life is amazing and working out the way it should. I've moved past my past way of thinking - waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm expecting incredible things -- and those things are coming my way. I end this post with my favorite quote from Mr. Mark Twain:

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

New Mantras

I recently read this quote...

“I believe in pink. I believe that laughter is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing. Kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the
prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in
miracles.” - Audrey Hepburn

It really started me thinking. I've been on an interesting life journey since last November. I began to notice things in my life that just weren't fitting the bill in my opinion. I just wasn't fulfilled. I wasn't experiencing joy nearly enough. I had just turned 29, started my final year of Graduate school, and landed myself in the hospital.

I began noticing significant changes in my health all associated to stress. The stress was physical, emotional, mental. I was burned out, confused, frustrated, and above all tired. Now, ending up in the hospital isn't the way I wanted this to happen. I've always been a stress handling champion. I'm a list maker, mountain mover, and insomniac. I have plenty of time to do all the things I need to get done in a day. Well, no matter how good you think you are at it, your body knows what it needs. Mine needed sleep. It was going to get it one way or another. It did via a shot of heavy narcotics because of a muscle in my neck that wouldn't relax.

So, I went to the ER, my friend Scott came over to take care of my drug induced body. As I was drifting in and out of consciousness, I began to evaluate my current level of contentment.

Was I safe: Yes, well mostly
Did I have a roof over my head: Yes
Did I have food to eat: Yes
Was I as happy as I wanted to be: No

Now, I had nothing to complain about. I had a job, home, car, boyfriend, etc.... But at the end of the day, could I honestly say I was living life to the fullest? That was a no.

I was not loved. Not the fairy tale, mind-blowing love...just simple, I know you will be there if I need you, Love. I didn't have it. Here I was, 29 years old, with the world at her fingertips, and didn't have the one thing I desired the most. Love.

So, in the last year, a lot has changed. I left the abusive relationship, gained a dependent by way of my 19 year old sister, was hired full-time at an Instructional Design firm, turned 30, and finished my Master's.

I haven't found that simple love I was pining for in a partner yet, but I have found it everywhere else.

Inside of an abusive relationship, you feel disconnected. You are led to believe that NO one will believe you if you speak out. NO one will ever love you again, because you are damaged. Also, there is a false understanding of who your real friends are. I was told many times that if I left, I would be alone. I would be shunned by all our joint friends, and the friends I thought I had were just in my head. I was told, my 'friends' actually thought I was crazy and talked about me behind my back constantly.

Guess what? None of those things were true.

In this past year, I have found and experienced love like I've never seen before. It has come in all shapes and sizes. From places I didn't know existed. I've grown closer to my extended family. Through this expansion, I have had love poured over me from all sides. My friends, the ones I thought would desert me, have come through like champions! They've laughed with me, encouraged me, celebrated with me, and let me cry when I needed to. These friends are treasures. You know who you are...pat yourself on the back for me. Finally, I've developed an incredible bond with my sister. She's been my rock. She's seen me in my happiest times and my saddest of times.

I may not have found the love in a partner, yet...but when I do, I'll have a lot of extra love to give!

So, Ms. Hepburn, here's to you!

• I do believe in pink - all things pink




• I have burned a lot of calories this year through laughter




• I absolutely believe in kissing a lot - I am looking forward to doing a lot more of that in the coming year




• I believe I was strong when everything was going wrong




• I must be very pretty, because I am truly happy




• I've seen miracles with my own eyes




• Tomorrow is another day, but I'm going to live this one to its fullest